If you are experiencing a troubled connection, you might be in one of the following three zones.
I am illustrating these zones because if you want to fix your marital problems, you must know where you are today. This is the first part of three critical steps.
Here are the 3 important steps.
- Know where your relationship is today.
- Know where you want to get to, i.e. your design or future vision
- Design the steps to get there.
Step one is to know where your relationship is today. The zones illustrated below can help you understand this, which is one of the critical markers to know before helping a couple navigate out of their crisis.
Knowing where you are today is important because without it you won’t know how to navigate to where you want to be in step two.
It’s like getting from London to Scotland, but you’re unaware you’re in Wales. If the start of the journey is in the wrong place, the outcome will always be very hard, and it’s easy to get lost and give up.
Once you have understood step one, step two is critically important. Most couples do not understand Step Two clearly enough; they usually give overly simple or woolly answers, such as “I want to be happy.”
Happiness is, of course, subjective and needs clarity.
Step 3 in this model is a simple process of designing the easy steps a couple needs to take to get you from step one to step two.
Couples in crisis don’t want to repeat their problems, so if you want any fix to last, you need to make sure the relationship you are rebuilding is designed for long-term success.
This is why building an effective strategy in relationship building is everything; so you must build it the right way.
There is NOT a one-size-fits-all model for helping couples; each couple requires a unique strategy that has to be created to fit the uniqueness of each couple’s situation.
So, the only process that works and lasts is based on a diagnosis and a prescribed model.
The end result has to be a win-win for the individuals, a win for the relationship, and a win for their desired future. This is the only way to be an effective leader for their family.
Many people in troubled relationships understandably decide to talk about their problems, totally blind to what they need to work on and why.
So, today’s post is designed to help you understand where you are today, which will dramatically affect the approach required to help you.
Below are three typical marital crisis zones. Each one requires a completely different approach to help the couple successfully reconnect.
The Crisis Zones are illustrated below. Which zone are you in?
- Crisis Zone One: They are friends but are NOT passionate
- Crisis Zone Two: They are NOT friends but are passionate
- Crisis Zone Three: They are NOT friends and are NOT passionate
Crisis Zone One: They are friends but are NOT passionate
Many couples end up in this zone of “friends but not lovers”.
Typical profile of couples I see in this place
They are usually transactional friends with low levels of emotional intimacy, very focused on day-to-day life and getting things done.
Those with families can make kid’s work and families a primary focus.
They are usually good mums and dads but not great at being husbands and wives, so being lovers is a significant challenge for these couples.
This type of relationship can present a “model couple” to friends and family who are unaware of the lack of connection happening behind closed doors.
This is the type of relationship where each person feels they can only be true to themselves when their partner is not around.
The lack of passion is represented both inside and outside the bedroom.
- Some don’t argue at all –
- Some have periodic busts of conflict –
- Many end up obtaining their intimate needs from others, whether close friends, secret friends, or affairs.
This zone can lead a person to feel that, on paper, they should be fine, but in reality, they can feel resentful, hollow, unloved, or lonely.
A couple who have lost passion can ultimately feel they are in the wrong relationship and they are in danger if one person gets an attraction energy with someone new.
This type of couple has created a dynamic that has killed the dynamic that allows attraction to flourish, so they would have to know how to change their connection to allow that attraction energy to flow.
Crisis Zone Two: They are NOT friends but are passionate.
I see fewer people in this zone, but enough to make sharing this important.
Typical profile of couples I see in this place
I occasionally come across a couple who have a lot of sexual energy but are like fair-weather friends who can really irritate each other.
In other words, when they are good, they are really good, but when they are bad, it can feel like a relationship-ending catastrophe is never far away.
This couple can fight like cat and dog.
In essence, they have little tolerance for each other’s differences, are quick to be triggered, and don’t feel the other has their backs.
This type of relationship can feel highly addictive yet unsafe all at the same time.
It’s almost like “conflict is their love language”.
I typically see significant passion in the bedroom and equal passion outside of the bedroom, but the outside-the-bedroom energy can be done in a toxic way to both people.
The ongoing toxic behaviours range from bickering, demanding, conflict, and blame, to name a few.
Couples in the space will cycle from sadness to anger and frustration, only finding solace in their sexual energy and the occasional good times. Ironically, this is not a place where fun or playfulness exists.
These couples need to learn how to be lifelong friends alongside their passion for each other. There is no question that keeping the energy of friends and lovers alive is a juggling act and requires knowledge of how to be successful.
The challenge is that passion kills connection, and connection kills passion. Until that’s understood, one critical part will win, which means the other critical part will lose.
Crisis Zone Three: They are NOT friends and are NOT passionate
Couples in this place are either burying their heads in the sand or looking to fulfil their needs outside the marriage.
It’s a place where critical needs that must be met are being met elsewhere through vehicles such as work, friends, kids to drinking drugs, gambling affairs, pornography, etc.
This is a damaging place for their children, just like any emotional distortion, because this becomes a child’s benchmark for what a normal relationship looks like.
In behaviour terms, this can be either low-level energy, where at least one person is always exhausted and resentful, or one or both people resorting to consistent conflict-like negative behaviours.
Behaviours such as bickering, controlling, power struggles, constant negative bias, blame, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, nagging, and gaslighting are among many.
It’s not unusual for at least one person to tell me they have lost connection with themselves and who they are in the marriage.
Some people in this zone can become very secretive either about their activities, dreams or their lives.
These people usually struggle to spend time together.
They usually lose connection with a future that makes sense.
They are either planning their exit or accepting that this is as good as it will ever get.
Some stay together for the kids.
Some are simply waiting for the kids to leave home before they exit.
This couple needs a very different process from the other two, as the starting point and level of disconnect are totally different. This means their process has to follow a path that will allow the couple to see what they can achieve with the right guidance.
The wrong help at the start can jar them as each person will be in a very different place emotionally.
Conclusion
As you can see, people can have very different dynamics and ways of building their crisis.
Getting people out of these different types of damaging dynamics requires a very different strategic approach because each dynamic has a totally different starting point.
What I hope you will gain from today is the importance of accurately assessing the starting point of where you really are, which is one of the most critical elements for saving a marriage.
Picking the wrong starting point means the journey won’t be productive or make sense.
The three zones illustrated above are one way to assess this critical first position, but many factors must be considered when planning a couple’s trajectory.
I’m using many assessment markers to establish that first critical position because, without this knowledge, the couple could easily be on the wrong path.
Some of the other critical assessment markers listed below must be considered before a couple is helped. If I look at the programs I run, which are tailored to each couple, not one couple has gone through the exact same process with me.
The process is inherently complex, but the mission is to make the solution simple and transferable to real life.
Some of the Critical Markers that allow me to understand where the couple really is today.
- The 3 Zones, as illustrated above.
- Their level of knowledge about their problem.
- Their belief system level will affect their ability to complete the process.
- Where are they on the “Four Degrees of Erosion” that all couples are in?
- Level of difficulty getting the result they desire.
- The effect their past will have on their ability to gain the outcome they desire
- Their current emotional state.
- Any limiting factors such as medications, ADHD, Autism, Brain Injuries, and Stroke, to name a few.
- Their desire to get the right result, and most importantly, my gut feeling that my nearly 20 years of experience can get them the result they are after.
