Meanings are critical part of life, they can lead us to passionate loving connections or to an expensive and messy divorce. So one key part of what I coach couples to understand is the meanings they give to their partners words and actions.
Not understanding this is a major problem for many couples so if your looking for answers this will be key. You see we all create meanings to situations, but most people don’t question the meanings other people are putting to the same situation.
So I remember asking a man in a session to communicate to his partner about their relationship and how he was feeling. I wrote down what he said. I then asked her to tell me what he had just said, so she did…
Now you could tell from the look on his face she had not understood the meaning behind what he had said at all, she had clearly put her own meaning on his words.
What was interesting is she had become upset at her own translation and was clearly blaming him for how the translation she created had made her feel.
This clearly was a problem for this couple, he was now clearly upset with what she said and he looked to me for help.
We did this in reverse and the same thing happened, he created a translation of her words that was about a million miles away from her actual intent.
Now this situation had upset both people, so imagine if this couple were left alone then they were definitely heading for disaster.
In just five minutes they had both created their own meanings behind their partners words, upset themselves and then blamed each other for what they had created. They then erupted into a full argument in my session, which I quickly stopped.
They had been together for 5 years and had one child, they had probably been doing this to each other and themselves for a while. At this point my heart was going out to this child that had to live in this situation and worse was being taught that this is how relationships work.
Even when I pointed out what they were doing they were so conditioned to see the bad in each other they couldn’t see the truth. So I had to take them to the next level of understanding so they could see in detail why this was happening to them both.
It was critical that this couple understood how to break this pattern of destruction and how to move to understanding, love, growth and just being kind to each other, which is what we did.
If you can’t get through to your partner I totally understand it can really feel like the loneliest place in the world. So taking some time to learn the skills to create a connection that works has to be priceless for all of your family..
Isn’t it time you were really understood?
