One of the most common challenges couples face is when they share their problems both people will have very different stories.
On the one hand, I would naturally expect each person to have a unique perspective, but the couple will experience these differences as damaging.
For the couple stuck in their problem, how do they solve a problem when they can’t even agree on what it is or how they got here?
The starting point is knowing every problem will always have two sides, which is normal.
In many cases, what I see is both people are actually right, but only from their perspective.
From a man’s perspective and based on what he is trying to achieve, he will be right.
From a woman’s perspective and what she is trying to achieve, she is also right.
You see, the problem is not that they see and experience the problem so differently.
The real problem is they can’t make sense of their partners’ perspective, so they make them wrong.
I see so many men that come in with the exact same complaint about their wives.
The wives all have very similar complaints about their husbands.
So these very different perspectives are hardwired into many men and women.
(To be clear I do see exceptions to every rule as some couples have swapped roles some due to circumstances, some due to survival, and some because that unique difference is who they are)
Most men and most women are driven very differently in a marriage with very different needs driving their actions.
This complexity is not going to be understood and affects everything from connection to trust to attraction.
Neither side is connected to the others’ perspective and this causes stress due to the lack of understanding.
This means both sides feels a range of negative emotions due to their lack of alignment with what’s important to the other.
So they end up feeling
- Unloved
- Rejected
- Abandoned
- Worthless
- Powerless
- Judged
- Blamed
- Attacked
- Loss of freedom
The list, of course, goes on, and the lack of alignment will keep triggering their natural fear system which creates more distance.
It is leading couples into resentments and disconnects through self-protection.
So my advice is to change focus, trying to get your perspective across to your partner will be landing on ears that cannot translate the meaning to your words.
So take a moment to understand what your partner is communicating.
What is driving them?
What are they trying to achieve?
If you can’t make sense of their actions, that’s the sign you need help to translate it properly.
The moment both people can translate each other’s perspectives then connection and alignment become so much easier.
Dealing with problems successfully is one of the most important skills a couple must learn.
You must end your conflicts more connected, or it will erode trust, attraction and this can lead to a loss of love.
So please know if you only see one side of the story you are missing a critical part of what’s needed to understand if you are going to be successful together.
This is going to be true in any relationship, so people that leave their partners are only going to walk into similar problems with the next person without this critical skill of translation.
