So, one group of people I consistently deal with is professionally successful men who are unaware of how their natural way of being, which created their business success, is negatively affecting their marriage.
They are married but primarily live in their all-consuming businesses. They are laser-focused on where they are going and the life all their efforts will bring.
When I question these men about what all this effort is for, a significant number of men tell me he is doing this for his wife and the family’s future.
So, he has great intentions, but these men keep missing a critical fact: Their vision and mission are their dreams, not hers.
He firmly believes he is doing all this for her, and in his head, he is. In fact, it’s his way of loving her and proving his worth as a man and provider for her.
If you look at younger men on a path to success, many are reluctant to commit to a relationship until he has the money and the plan they think they need to become that provider.
In his head, his practical plan and vision are far more important than how she feels today. When he achieves his goal in “four years”, she will love that future life.
I remember in a session, one gentleman was so fixated on their mission to move country that he had decided not to talk about his recent affair until they got into their new home in 8 weeks’ time.
His wife couldn’t believe it!
Women can become upset with their husbands, but they may not see the importance of her being upset, especially if they think that, in the end, everything will be okay.
In some cases, his lack of success at home makes his success at work even more important to him, so he can spend even more time at the office.
The problem is that he’s missing something fundamental, and none of what he’s doing is what she really needs.
In fact, in many cases what he is striving for, she has never asked for.
He will argue, “…but she loves the house, the money”, but if you spoke to these women, they would swap all this in a heartbeat for an emotional connection that makes sense.
So, men in this space will spend so much time in his business under the impression he’s doing a great job.
He is feeding the business what it needs to achieve “his” mission.
But for her, the relationship is not being fed, and so it is dying while he blindly marches towards “his” finish line.
In many cases, the time he spends with her from her perspective is of low quality because he simply isn’t present.
He’s with her physically at times but fixated on his phone or his next business move.
So, my message to high-growth-focused men is that you can’t grow only one part of your life and be successful in all.
Every part of life needs feeding. Every part has to grow, and for it to grow, just like a business, he has to know how it works.
Leaving a wife to look after her own emotional needs means the man is making himself pointless. She needs ongoing emotional energy to stay invested.
One gentleman entered a seven-year legal battle over a business situation and won.
He essentially spent 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, for 7 years fighting for what he thought was right.
He felt that he was doing what was right, and the financial gain was significant; however, the cost of emotionally abandoning his wife (which is how she saw it) was not something he expected.
On the day he won his case, he went to his wife to celebrate, and she quietly congratulated him and then handed him divorce papers.
He never realised the terrible consequences of emotionally abandoning his wife.
You see, you’re not winning the game of life if you have to starve one part to make the other grow.
So, what is the difference between a businessman and a husband?
Most of the men I speak to have no idea, and so it’s clear to me it’s one fundamental reason why he is failing with her.
In fact, anyone who has a successful identity in one part of their life simply cannot use that in a marriage, and it works out well.
In sessions, I often share a short story about Cloe and myself.
Cloe came to me and said, “Hey, darling, I have a business question for you.”
I responded with, “Who would you like to answer the question?”
She playfully said, “What are my choices?”
I said you can have “Husband or businessman.”
She flashed a smile and said, “Can I have a husband first?”
She wanted to hear from both, but she chose “husband” first for a reason…
You see, each success identity is different and brings a unique energy, so the shift is subtle but very powerful in keeping the connection alive, fun and playful.
So my message is simple: you can learn how to be an effective businessman, but if you are married, it’s just as important to learn how to be an effective husband, too.
Men pride themselves on efficiency, but he will never be efficient in his marriage until he understands how to bring out the best in her.
Bringing out the worst in her is a very inefficient model to run.
