With no educational system in place for what it takes to keep a marriage alive for life, we are left with couples really doing their best.
Sadly this is usually not enough to keep their connection and passion alive. So couples can unwittingly break their connection without meaning to leading to a build-up of negative energy that couples attach to each other.
So below I’m going to share some of the common mistakes couples are making without knowing.
THE RELATIONSHIP TEST below is designed to help couples understand how many of these points below are in your marriage so you can start to open up communication at home?
- I see couples are not making their relationship a priority and so their focus and priority is on their kids their work, friends, family and hobbies. The result of this lack of priority is the relationship is starving and dying and this can leave the relationship vulnerable to others or an emotional shutdown. Are you both making your marriage a priority?
Yes/No - One person can make being factually right more important than their partners’ feelings? Is this challenge in your marriage?
Yes/No - If you don’t meet your partners’ critical needs in the way they need they can either leave the relationship or choose to spend more and more time away from the home to meet those needs. They are called critical for a reason. Do you both know what needs are critical in your marriage?
Yes/No - Couples are not understanding that when communicating each person will have a very different underlying goal, if you don’t see this you’ll feel disconnected and communication will be difficult. So do you know what are you trying to achieve that’s different from each other?
Yes/No - Couples are not seeing they need to shift identity to be better partners. One example: Far too many women don’t feel an emotional connection with their husband so they remain stuck in an identity called “MUM”. It feels like a safer energy for her but can have a crippling consequence to their sex life. One example for men is he can get stuck in his work persona and forget who he should be as a husband. Do you think this could be affecting your marriage?
Yes/No - Far too many couples end up protecting themselves from each other unaware that this process is the path many couples are on that take them to divorce. Understanding why this destructive pattern is in place is critical. The couple must be helped to protect the relationship and not themselves if they want to keep it alive. Are you both protecting the marriage?
Yes/No - Individuals that know they have past traumas and know it’s affecting their marriage must deal with them so they can be effective partners. When individuals don’t admit they have a problem their relationship will magnify their inability to be effective, for many this can break their marriage with devastating consequences. Does this relate to your marriage?
Yes/No - You must both have each other’s backs. This is especially critical in public and with family and friends. Do you both have each other’s backs?
Yes/No - Relationships that are too rigid and full of rules usually suffer a lot. It’s so important that both people can be influenced by the other so there is flexibility/flow. After all, if a marriage is a magnifier of what’s in the marriage do you want to magnify fun, love and passion or a dictatorship based on fear. Is your marriage flexible in the way you need it?
Yes/No - I see a lot of couples that really don’t understand the key roles needed to keep their attraction alive. Too many couples end up kind of friends that are caretakers to a house and babysitters to their kids. Without this critical energy, the couple will struggle to connect. Do you both agree on what will keep your attraction alive?
Yes/No - It’s really important that men take time to really SEE who he’s married to because for her being seen, understood and connected to is what will help her with her connection to herself that will free her to love him. Is this present in your marriage?
Yes/No - It’s also critical for women to openly believe in her husband and bring the truth of what he does that works for her to him. Men share with me they experience a lot of negativity from their wives and this makes him want to distance himself from her. Is this present in your marriage?
Yes/No
What this very simple test is designed to achieve is some key areas that may need your attention.
This is designed as a guide only so you can have some conversations and spend some time learning about yourselves and each other.
A good relationship should be fun passionate connected places. Good relationships should not hard work.
The real key to a good marriage is not what you do when it’s happy – It’s what you both do when it goes wrong.
So when problems land do you connect and grow and feel more love together or do you seek support from others or within yourself instead of your partner?
Your partner should be your best friend and your lover, you should be a team designing the best possible life you can create together.
All these skills and more can be learnt for those curious enough to commit to a better life.
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