Actual coaching session:-
She loved him deeply and he said he loved her, but deep down she was not convinced he did really love her. These feelings were powerful in her and so her relationship with him was driven by this fear in her that she might never be loved by him, he was unaware she felt this way.
This had affected their sex life for years and whilst she knew by blocking their intimacy she was hurting him and the relationship she felt paralyzed too scared to let him near her. The longer it went on the worst it got.
Initially he was upset by this loss of sexual connection, but over time he grew to accept this is the way they were. His love for her was so great he was prepared to give up that part of his life so they could stay together. She was unaware of this intention within him.
What was interesting was now he had resigned himself to a passionless relationship to please her, she was now even more convinced that his lack of desire for her was proof he didn’t care, even though if he did attempt intimacy she would reject him.
He started to believe she was impossible to please and so the arguments escalated out of control until they both couldn’t see how they could have a future together.
With young children this was painful, so whichever way they turned they were met by pain.
With divorce looming they came to see me.
With any couple building trust has to be the first step in creating the foundations for growth. Over a couple of weeks they started to experience a change as they focused on how to build trust through meeting each others core needs.
Very quickly they could see there was now hope for the future.
They were so excited the arguments stopped and they could see a happier family start to emerge.
BUT… there was still a problem…
…whilst they were getting on great she still had fears of him coming near her sexually. He was so used to sex not being present he was fearful of being rejected so they feared the trust would fade if they stayed in this place.
So they came back to learn more…
This time the goal was to discover how to reignite their passion for each other sexually.
I knew that the block in her that stopped her wanting sex with him was through her fear of not believing he loved her, although as yet she had not told him.
Any woman who believed her man doesn’t love her would struggle to connect with herself in the way she needed to. This made her feel unsafe and that combination is highly likely to block her desire to a sexually connection with him.
So I had to help her firstly, build confidence in herself so she could feel safe to give love to him. As she started to understand what she had been doing historically i.e. she was meeting her neededs in low level ways so she could stay safe, she discovered that by withholding love this way she was actually in more danger.
This realisation in her created a desire in her to make changes…
To help clients I name parts of the room “PAST” “NOW” “FUTURE” and get them to stand in those places so they can experience what their lives might be like if their behaviours were different. This is a powerful process and shifts people perceptions very quickly.
She stood at one end of the room that I had called the past. Her “PAST”! We started to explore what life would be like is she continued to withhold love and itimacy and what it would do to her and her family.
She started to cried as she connected to all the pain these behaviours would create. I needed her to feel the pain her destructive behaviours would create so she felt motivated to change to the life she really wanted.
I asked her to imagine what her future would be like if she lived true to who she is, a loving caring wife and mother full of passion for all she wants.
As she visualised what her future could look like she smiled and nodded that this is what she wanted.
I asked her to walk toward this future (different part of the room) and step into her shoes in the future and imagine what it might feel like…
As she stepped into the future she instantly smiled quickly follow by terror! She looked to me for help tears rolling down her face, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this she cried!”…
I took her back to the past (the back of the room) where she felt safe again, visibly she relaxed.
I asked her what had happened… shaking her head she said she didn’t know!
She had now composed herself and so I asked her to step into her future again, she said “I can’t” tears rolling again.
I said, “what will happen if you stay stuck living here in your past?” She looked panicked she could now see she was not safe here either. I reinforced the pain in staying stuck in her past destruction…
Wanting to move away from that pain she tried to walk forward to the future, but she recoiled crying and in frustration she shouted through her tears…
“…in the future he doesn’t love me!”
This was the first time he had heard those words, he looked shocked and confused…
At this point I sent him into her fast!
I instructed him to saturate her with a combination of short masculine commitments of love, and he was to keep going until he broke through.
Crying she pulled away from him, You don’t love me, You don’t love me she kept repeating I asked him to follow her… “You love her, what does a real man do to help his wife in pain” I shouted…
Every time he committed his love to her, she contradicted him and pulled away.
What was happening was she knew she only had one place left where she could feel safe that was that future version of her, but she couldn’t feel safe unless she knew he really loved her.
Eventually, through his persistence of loving her no matter what she threw at him, he broke though her pain!
At that moment they threw their arms around each other both sobbing not wanting to letting go of each other.
Eyes full of tears they both looked at me and smiled.
This is a very powerfully emotional moment for all three of us, all of us with tears in our eyes.
In that moment he became the man for her again and she connected with who she was designed to be, a loving passionate woman, safe to be vulnerable with him again.
Very quickly their intimacy returned.
Every situation is different, but if the polarity is wrong in a relationship the relationship will suffer.
You see the man has to be a man and the woman has to be safe to be a woman connected to the feminine in her for intimacy to stay in a relationship for life.
This is a very different connection from the connection we have when we first meet when the passion is high automatically. This connection is far deeper and will deepen their bond as long as they keep their masculine and feminine energy in the way that works for them.
- If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to comment below or get in touch privately.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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