I have spoken to more than a thousand husbands whose relationship is on the edge of collapse, and their message to me is very clear.
All these men are feeling the exact same thing.
They are honest with me about their feelings but tend to say nothing to their wives.
When I ask them why they’re reluctant to share with their wives, their message is—that a problem shared is a problem doubled!
This is a problem because many men leave their marriages, and either their partners have no idea why or were expecting them to go this far.
Today’s post is designed to shed some light on this problem of what he is feeling and how it affects him.
He is experiencing a common but unspoken frustration: A man looks at his wife, and though he still loves her, he doesn’t feel the same level of attraction, admiration, or excitement he once did.
As a result, most men don’t talk about this openly. They just withdraw.
The result is that they focus more on work, spend extra hours at the gym, or scroll on their phones instead of engaging. They tell themselves to forget it, let it go and move on, but deep down, they feel a quiet but growing disappointment each time it happens.
She knows something is wrong, but when she asks, he says he’s fine—but the reality is that nine times out of ten, he isn’t.
So what’s really going on?
What won’t he share? And what is he feeling and why?
The #1 Reason Men Stop Seeing Their Wives as Appealing
It’s not about weight gain, ageing, or anything superficial. The real reason men tell me they lose attraction for their wives is because they feel unappreciated and unacknowledged.
Attraction, for men, isn’t just about how his wife looks—it’s about how she makes him feel about himself when he’s with her.
- If he feels admired, respected, and valued, his attraction to her grows.
- If he feels criticized, overlooked, or like an obligation, his attraction fades.
This is important: Many men feel like they’re constantly being evaluated instead of appreciated. Instead of feeling like a winner in their own home, they feel like they’re in a never-ending performance review.
What’s Killing Attraction for him in his Marriage?
- Feeling Like a Failure at Home
Men thrive on respect and acknowledgement. When a man consistently feels like he’s not meeting expectations—whether it’s about parenting, household chores, or emotional connection—he begins to associate his wife with that feeling of failure. - Being Criticised More Than Admired
Early in the relationship, men often feel like their wife admires them, laughs at their jokes, appreciates their efforts, and sees them as someone special. But over time, the focus can shift to what he’s not doing right, making him feel small and unimportant—emasculated. - Lack of Physical or Emotional Intimacy
For men, physical intimacy is emotional intimacy. When that fades or feels transactional, it chips away at their confidence. They don’t just feel unwanted physically; they feel like they’re failing at the relationship altogether. - Being Treated More Like a Co-Parent Than a Partner
Many men feel like they’ve gone from being a romantic partner to just another caregiver in the house. The conversations revolve around logistics, school schedules, bills, and responsibilities rather than connection, laughter, or desire. - Constant Stress and Negativity
If every interaction feels tense, every conversation feels like a complaint, and there’s no fun left, attraction naturally declines for him. No one wants to be around someone who constantly radiates stress, criticism, or disappointment.
Important Thoughts
Men don’t lose attraction to their wives because of looks or ageing—they lose attraction when they stop feeling like they are being valued in the marriage.
When men are left feeling their critical needs are met outside of the marriage, the marriage enters a highly vulnerable place.
The problem men face is they don’t feel safe, to be honest about how they really feel.
I notice that men in the sessions are likelier to be honest with me because they feel it’s a safer environment. I have heard so many wives share that afterwards; they had no idea that’s how their husbands were really feeling.
Many men are encouraged by their wives to share, but in many cases, what they share isn’t met with supportive energy, so when he collects one or two examples of that type of outcome, there is no way on earth any man is ever doing that again.
This is the point at which men are conditioned not to share and, in particular, not share their feelings.
What so many women don’t see is that while she is outwardly evaluating him vocally and sharing her honest feelings, he is secretly evaluating her too, but he will never share his thoughts that are stacking each time.
Most men have these thoughts and then put them into the let-it-go pile while focusing on other, more important things, but when a man hits the tipping point, the let-it-go pile is now the story of his life with her pile.
As a trend, it seems that men have poor memories – which isn’t true.
Men remember what is essential to hold on to, which tends to be when they experience something emotionally important to them.
Every time he knows he fails in her eyes, is a moment he will never forget.
I remember one gentleman who did this with his wife for over 25 years. Eventually, he walked out of the house, never said a word, and never came back.
What couples don’t seem to understand is that if their partner doesn’t like how they feel about themselves when they are together, either person can leave—being married and staying married is a free-will choice.
This is why understanding each other and creating a marriage you both love being in is so important.
The great thing is that these skills can be learnt by those passionate enough to learn them. The truth is that men and women are very different and can hurt each other without ever meaning to.
The mission is straightforward: Unless I know how to bring out the best in my partner, they will likely not feel good and will attach that feeling to their partner. This affects everything, so it is a critical skill.