This tends to be a shocking realisation for her. One of the facts that tend to shock women in my sessions is when I explain that men do have amazing memories, but for something very specific regarding her.
What the men remember in all its detail forever are all the bad, cruel, unfair, unjust, negative things she has ever said to him.
I have helped men who remembered a sentence that for him was so awful that he held onto it for 25 years and it crippled their marriage, she will have no idea this is happening.
So she can vent her frustration at him and for her, this is the truth for her at that moment.
Some women tell me they meant it all at that moment, but then felt bad the following day, many quickly forgetting what they did or said totally unaware of the emotional impact on him.
She tends to be totally unaware that he actively collects all these moments as proof of who she is and her character.
So the identity of who he fell in love with is now changing in his mind into the collection of those negative moments.
He now sees her differently.
In his world she is proving to him she is emotionally dangerous because she isn’t helping him protect the relationship, she is actively trying to make things worse.
The more she does it the more he starts to see that this is who she is and who he needs to protect himself from.
You see men will always remember what impacts them emotionally for life because they find it so emotionally disturbing, everything else in life is usually unemotional for him so they don’t need to retain it.
It’s why with many life experiences men will forget them, as they only hold onto what they need or what’s important.
To him, these moments matter enormously as her emotional outburst is proof of why they might be incompatible.
So it’s either proof that he isn’t enough for her, she simply doesn’t love him, or she is just a mean negative person and who wants a life with a mean negative person?
Either way, this will over time help him emotionally disconnect and he will gravitate to where he is successful to spend his time where he can fulfil his critical needs.
This means many men will spend time away from her to protect themselves and the marriage from being more upset.
Many men throw themselves into their work and will justify this by knowing him working more is good for protecting the family financially.
For him keeping the family safe in the future will be enough to know he is looking after everyone.
His action is likely to backfire because she won’t feel protected his action will help her feel alone, unloved and abandoned and so she may bring the upset again and again as result and so the negative cycle continues.
She brings an upset to create a place of sharing and connection, but he only sees her actions as unfair and unreasonable so he disconnects.
Both people’s actions are repelling the other and this is where resentment will grow.
These cycles need to be understood and for those firmly entrenched in these patterns, they will require a strategic approach to help both people to safely reinvest and support themselves and each other.
If you are in this space you will need specialist help as this is a highly complex problem to master if you want a win-win solution.
Please know this dynamic is a misunderstanding and should not be a cause for ending the marriage.
Contact my office if you are ready to take action as this is very solvable together or on your own.
Only one person has to change for the pattern to change.
