Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high.
Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop.
As you scan today’s post, you will also start to see this problem that so many people don’t see. In addition, you will have access to a new program I launched to empower individuals who are stuck in unhappy relationships.
So when I ask clients why they think their marriage is broken, they don’t tell me about their marriage.
They tell me everything that’s happened, leading them to share everything that’s what’s wrong with their partner.
- “My partner doesn’t listen.”
- “My partner doesn’t care.”
- “My partner has changed.”
- “My partner is a narcissist.”
- “My partner is a liar.”
- “My partner is crazy.”
- “My partner has childhood issues because they went to boarding school.”
- “My partner has deep psychological issues.”
- “My partner is on the spectrum.”
When I hear this, what I hear is someone stuck in “battle mode“, and as you’ll discover, it’s going to be a big part of why they are stuck.
Many people believe their relationship problems exist because of their partner’s actions. They come to me hoping I’ll fix their partner – one lady in a session sat smiling after she spent months trying to get her husband to me, and she said – “this has been a long time coming”.
I knew she was super ready for me to fix him for her.
The problem is that her energy was still in “battle mode,” so the person that I had to help quickly was her. In reality, I had to help both people get out of their battle modes so that saving the marriage was possible.
But here’s the truth: you cannot battle your way to a better marriage – she had been battling her husband for two years, and neither person felt good, which is what battling does.
Many people believe they are fighting for their relationship, but in reality, they are fighting for themselves—their needs, their fears, their sense of validation. And therein lies the problem. A real relationship is built when both partners stop fighting for themselves and start fighting for each other.
People who feel the need to self-protect are in a survival state of mind, so they won’t be fighting for the good of the relationship and that is why they are failing.
This is why it is so difficult for couples when two people are self-protecting and battling each other. Their approach will collapse their ability to reconnect, as they are so focused on themselves many are not even aware they are doing this.
Anyone who has read this blog knows that “ME” focused relationships always die, so unless your quest is to protect the relationship as part of your behaviours, your mission will always fail.
The Three Paths in a Struggling Marriage
When relationships hit ongoing problems, there are only three choices:
- Leave. Walk away, but risk repeating the same mistakes in the next relationship.
- Do nothing. Resentments stack, and over time, the love that’s left turns to bitterness, and trust becomes a problem.
- Stay and evolve. Instead of battling, take responsibility for understanding “the WHY question”.
The answer to the “why” question is what leads couples to safety. I’m covering this later in the post.
The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything
The individuals who successfully rebuild their relationships don’t wait for their partner to change.
They make a decision to come out of their battle and change themselves first. Most won’t do this, so they suffer.
People who are the best at this are the individuals that are trying to win their partner back on their own.
The reason they are so good is because they are 100% ready to take responsibility.
Couples tend to believe their partner is the problem and are not ready to take responsibility, so they remain stuck in their battle mode.
Successful couples learn that instead of battling, they must shift their focus to understanding and questioning why the problems arise instead of blindly judging.
Instead of self-protecting, they focus on a mission of learning the process of reconnecting.
They make it their mission is to become a trusted teammate—not by abandoning their needs, but by leading the relationship forward.
I’ve seen countless people win back their marriages by making this shift, but it takes courage, and that’s why so many run.
Many people and many professionals don’t believe a person can save or rebuild a marriage on their own, yet I see it every week. That’s why I built a new program for it.
One amazing lady who had the courage to take that step alone to change the direction of her whole life. She learnt how to get out of her “battle mode” and discover what was possible.
Case Study: From Divorce to Reconnection
One client came to me exhausted from fighting with her husband.
He had shut down. Refused to seek help. Their next step was clearly divorce.
She resigned to her fate until she came across one of my posts and saw that my approach was very different.
She felt I had something different to offer, so she engaged my help with a free exploratory call to understand how it worked.
At first, she struggled. Letting go of her judgments felt like losing power. But as she started expanding by seeing the world through her husband’s eyes as well as hers, everything changed.
- She stopped fighting and started to understand.
- She became his friend again—not by sacrificing herself, but by leading.
- She also reclaimed who she really was without fear.
She made one promise to herself: she would never again lose sight of who she was while supporting their relationship. She discovered that her thinking had led her to become someone she didn’t like.
From mid-2024 to today, she has practised exactly what we discussed, leading their relationship into one they both love being in.
Now, she was approaching him in a way that brought out the best in him, and what’s great about this is that to achieve this, she had become more of who she really is.
Her old pattern had made her become less of who she was, which is why she was stuck and emotionally exhausted.
Without her taking this new direction on her own, there is no question that they would have divorced.
This lady did two important things. She stepped out of battling her husband, stopped making everything about her, and set on a quest to understand him and why he behaved the way he did.
From our meetings, she knew that if she wanted to understand what their relationship was capable of achieving, her mission was to align with her true self minus her fears and understand him so she could get the best out of him.
Understanding him enabled her to see his true intentions, and it allowed her to see how what she brought to the table had only brought out the worst in him at times, although that was never her intention.
This is a common problem, and so what is normal for one person can be upsetting or disrespectful to the other.
All these new understandings enabled her to believe in him again, and he started to feel successful with her again, just like when they were first together.
Divorce is now a distant thought as they are full of playfulness and plans.
They are now planning their future together, excited about their family again. She even engaged me in personal coaching to map out an extraordinary future.
The program she joined, click here to learn more
Why So Many People Fail
For two decades working with couples in crisis, I can tell you this with clarity:
Not understanding each other affects everything and leads people into these pointless battles.
I have never met a couple that naturally understands each other, yet many are under the destructive illusion that they do.
And that lack of understanding?
- Drives expectations problems.
- Leads to stacked resentment and fear.
- Causes judgment, blame, and emotional shutdowns.
So they say they want their marriage to be better, yet they come to the table holding weapons and shields.
This is exactly why they fail. Their focus is on themselves due to their fears.
The Only Way to Save a Relationship
You don’t fix a marriage by battling. Coming off the battlefield is their ONLY chance of winning.
All the time, the communication, the energy, and the thinking keeps a person on the relationship battlefield. Their chances of success are virtually zero.
You fix it by taking responsibility for striving to understand, support, and lead the relationship to safety.
The skill of this process lies in understanding all the ‘whys’:
- Why did they act that way?
- Why were they uncaring or unloving?
- Why did they shut down or pull away?
If you don’t understand these answers, the battle never ends because they are always the bad person you need to protectyourself from.
So the real question is this:
What do I need to learn to get the result I want? What do I have to see that I currently can’t that will lead me to the truth of my relationship?
If you are battling the list of your partner’s wrongs, I can tell you with 1000% certainty—you will never get the result you seek.
- Fighting only creates more resistance.
- Judgment blocks learning, so no way forward.
No one likes to be criticised, so imagine being criticised by someone you have little rapport with. The result is never pretty.
The biggest battle that the individuals have to stop is the one with themselves!
For many people, the biggest and first battle to deal with is with themselves and the thinking that led them onto the battlefield.
They believe their story, live their story, and become the characters in their story. Many buy into their own thinking and their story so much that no other truth exists. I’ve seen people so bought into their own story that they will cause havoc in their children’s lives just to keep their story alive.
The truth is there are many perspectives and many stories, so buying into one is limiting and frankly unsafe.
So, the first battle to deal with isn’t with the couple. It’s the thinking both people have created that will always lead them into battles no matter who they are with.
This is why individual work that leads into a couple’s work is such an important process and has become such a profound focus for how I’m helping relationships grow out of their crisis.
Remember, the person who is right has nothing to learn, so where they are is as good as it gets. They can leave their partner and create a new relationship that initially feels amazing, but that feeling is always short-lived, and before long, they will be back in a battle all over again- this time with someone new.
That’s a very expensive, time-consuming and emotionally draining process.
Your Next Step
If your marriage is struggling, ask yourself this:
❌ Are you stuck in battle mode, waiting for your partner to change? Because you are in for a long wait.
✅ Or are you NOW ready to lead the change that either saves your marriage or helps you understand the truth?
Your relationship will not be saved through battling.
It will be saved when you stop battling and start fighting to understand. So, it’s critical to swap judgment for curiosity, and then you have a chance.
And if you’re ready for that life-changing shift, I can help you understand how and why it works.
People see me as someone who fixes couples in crisis. In reality, I’m a human behaviour expert who can explain why your relationship is struggling and what you have to do to fix it.
If you would like that understanding that leads you to becoming a highly effective partner…
