I see many people fall into the trap of creating behaviours that are designed to keep them safe totally unaware these behaviours are not safe for them at all.
To be clear, the challenge isn’t in the needing to feel safe and secure within a relationship, the challenge is the way so many do it.
What happens in so many cases is the person unwittingly creates the very thing they are trying to avoid.
Examples of people trying to feel safe but killing their relationship in the process.
A woman became so controlling to her husband that he gave-up his masculine energy when he was around her and effectively turned into a little boy to please her.
She then complained she was living with a child.
I see many people who overly-control their partners, this process kills their partners’ energy and it can push the controlled partner into passive control and some become secretive and lie to survive.
This process kills connection and sexual energy, the controlling person actually loses control with this pattern and is in danger of their partner physically leaving them.
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The man who constantly shouted at his wife because he couldn’t cope with her erratic emotions.
Through shouting at her he did make her quiet, but he also made her emotionless to the point she lost her emotions for him.
If a person loses connection with themselves whilst they are in a relationship the relationship will die.
The process of shouting to control a partner is one of the ways a person will disconnect from themselves when they are with their partner.
Shouting to control never works and needs to be corrected for the relationship to survive.
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One woman created a pattern of pleasing her husband to get her needs met but it never worked.
He never considered what she needed and she never respected herself by telling him or asking, she assumed he would just know.
She was under the illusion if she gave to her husband he would then give back to her. This is a very common pattern that never works.
People who give so they get something back are usually disappointed a lot of the time.
The process of giving must come from the position of I give to you because it’s who I am, not I give to you to get something back.
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Another man controlled his relationship by getting upset every time he felt threatened.
This resulted in his wife submitting to his wishes, but losing connection with who she was when she was with him.
It resulted in her feeling she needed an affair to reconnect to herself.
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One lady was so afraid she wasn’t enough for her husband she protected herself by holding back her love.
The result was her husband never felt loved, so he eventually distanced himself to protect him from the worry she didn’t love him.
This process helped him fall out of love and so he left her.
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What all these people above have in common is they are wanting to protect themselves from being hurt, but the way they do it actually creates the very thing they fear most.
This message is so important to learn, but very difficult for so many to grasp.
In relationships, if we have a fear, our instinctual behaviour is to protect ourselves from realising that fear.
The way we protect ourselves is through a combination of assumptions, judging, holding back and then punishing/resenting our partner.
Practiced over years this is the perfect way to collapse a relationship.
What I’m saying is without realising a person can keep their fears alive within them by making the fear a focus.
When we make something a focus we give it energy and it comes alive.
The key is to focus on what you want not focus on what you want to avoid.
The key to helping a couple in these types of patterns is to help them connect to the need they are trying to meet through their actions and show them why their actions will never meet that need.
So we need a process that will collapse their fears and move them towards a process that will reconnect them not just with each other, but with themselves within the relationship.
The trap fears create is they disconnect us from who we really are and so limit our ability to function and be successful relationship partners.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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