It’s clear that many men in my sessions have misunderstood what truly creates attraction and are turning off their wives without understanding why.
The result is in longer-term relationships many wives do love their husbands but are struggling to find them attractive and there is a reason.
To help both sides of this problem this post is about one important part: This is the difference between masculine strength and a hidden weakness disguised as kindness. It explains why the men who seek validation through giving ultimately push women away, while men who give because it aligns with their values and who they are naturally create more attraction and respect.
Here’s what you’ll learn:
- Why giving to “get something” weakens attraction
- How a woman instinctively tests a man’s emotional strength (and why it’s not an attack)
- Why leadership in a relationship isn’t about control but about direction and stability
- What actually makes a woman feel ALIVE with a man—and why most men get it wrong
- How to shift from being a man who chases validation to a man who gains her respect
If you’ve ever felt frustrated in your relationships—giving everything to her but still feeling unseen or unappreciated—this post will show you exactly why that happens and why.
The Difference Between Masculine Strength and Hidden Weakness
A truly strong man doesn’t give to receive—he gives because that’s who he is. He operates from self-respect, not external validation. He doesn’t try to impress; he simply exists in his strength. He doesn’t seek approval; he moves with purpose. An attractive man doesn’t operate from his ego; he isn’t trying to impress anyone he doesn’t need to.
This is where so many men get it wrong.
A weaker man disguises his need for attention or validation through acts of kindness. He gives, but only with an expectation of something in return. He is “nice” so that she will like him. He does things for her with the silent hope that she will give him validation, intimacy, or love.
I see many husbands with marital difficulties suddenly decide on a solution. He has decided to pack the dishwasher to please her for the first time after 15 years together. In essence, there is nothing wrong with offering help, but the moment he announces what he has done for her is the moment he kills it for her.
He is unaware that when he does a perceived act of kindness, he is creating a trade with her, and trading is almost guaranteed to make him far less attractive.
And when she doesn’t respond the way he wants? He can become resentful, some verbally and others quietly stacking his resentments.
The trade he has created without knowing is that I’m doing something good for you, and I want you to recognise it. If you don’t recognise it in the way I want, I will get upset and probably never do it again.
A stronger man, on the other hand, gives without keeping score. He contributes because it aligns with his values (who he is)—not because he’s hoping for a payoff. His presence alone is valuable to him. He doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone.
Women perceive this confidence in a man through his presence, emotional stability, and self-assured energy.
He moves with certainty, makes decisions without hesitation, and remains calm under pressure.
He doesn’t seek approval or validation but gives freely from a place of abundance.
His body language is relaxed, his eye contact steady, and his voice controlled. He values himself first, and because of that, others naturally value him.
Confidence isn’t about dominance—it’s about being grounded, authentic, and unshaken by external circumstances.
Most women who experience this will feel a more positive shift in themselves around this type of strength of confidence.
When a man gives from a place of need, his attraction weakens. When he gives from a place of strength, her respect and desire for him can now grow.
Are You a Man Who Leads or a Man Who Seeks Approval?
A man of self-respect:
- Stands firm in his values—he doesn’t abandon them to please others.
- Stays grounded no matter how he is treated—he’s an oak tree
- He gives because he chooses to, not because he expects something in return—he self-validates.
- Walks away from situations and people that don’t align with his standards – he is powerful and warm.
- He is kind but never weak.
This is the man women in long-term relationships are drawn to—not because he’s trying to be attractive, but because his authenticity and integrity naturally create an energy of attraction.
In addition, their strength in behaviour won’t be short-lived and won’t be subject to fluctuating emotional states. So this means she will know what she will get, reducing her need to focus on security-focused behaviours.
A man who lacks self-respect:
- Adjusts himself constantly to seek approval.
- Reacts emotionally based on how others treat him.
- Gives as a strategy to get validation, not because it aligns with his values.
- Stays in situations where he is disrespected because he fears being alone.
- Mistakes “nice” for strength, then becomes resentful when his kindness isn’t rewarded.
A woman can feel when a man is giving to get something in return. That energy makes her uncomfortable. It weakens the dynamic, even if she can’t explain why.
Attraction For Her Isn’t About His Status, Money or Looks—It’s About How She Feels When She Is With Him
Many men assume attraction is about looks, wealth, or status. They believe if they have the right career, house, or physique, they’ll secure a woman’s love and desire.
For some women, that may work initially, but real, lasting attraction isn’t about any of that.
I remember one lady who was initially swept off her feet, breakfast in Paris, lunch in New York, £60k presents and the list went on. She said it was lovely to start with, but what she really craved was jeans, jumpers and a Mcdonalds with him in the park.
She wanted connection more than anything because anyone could buy her stuff, but not any man could help her connect with herself by truly seeing her and understanding her.
Another example is an attractive billionaire couple who were struggling, so they came for help. He had given her everything, but I could see that all the houses and stuff living on three continents were not leading them to happiness.
She kept telling him she would rather live in a two up, two down property if it meant she could have an emotional connection with him that made sense to her. In the end, the money became meaningless.
I could see he didn’t understand at all…
You see, it’s all about how she feels when she’s with you; that’s far more powerful than anything you could buy her.
A woman isn’t drawn to your possessions—she’s drawn to your presence, energy, and leadership.
- If she feels safe, seen, and alive in your presence, attraction grows.
- If she feels disconnected, unseen, or emotionally unstable around you, attraction dies.
What Actually Creates Ongoing Attraction?
- Emotional Strength – Can you handle challenges without crumbling? She needs to know you’re solid.
- Presence & Attunement – Do you actually see her, or are you checked out?
- Polarity & Challenge – Do you keep things playful and confident? Attraction thrives on excitement, not predictability.
- Emotional Safety – She needs to know she can trust your leadership.
- How You Handle Conflict – Do you stay grounded when she’s emotional, or do you get defensive?
A woman’s attraction is tied to how she feels about herself when she’s with you. If she feels safe, connected, and emotionally engaged, she will want you. If she feels unseen, dismissed, or like she has to lead the relationship, her attraction will fade.
Why Men Fail Her Emotional Tests…
Many men misinterpret a woman’s emotional intensity as an attack when, in reality, she is testing his strength—not consciously, but instinctively.
She isn’t trying to destroy him.
She’s checking if he’s solid. She is trying to wake him up to the unpleasant emotions she is experiencing- she wants to know if he cares.
If a man crumbles under her emotions, she loses attraction. If he remains calm, engaged, and focused on how she feels rather than what she says, she feels safe and connected.
If she tests him and he fails, and she decides to stay, the chances are that sexual attraction will decline.
Remember, most women want to live in an environment where they can be free to be all of who they really are, knowing that they will be loved.
When women don’t feel this, they find themselves stepping into their masculine energy and then resenting him. This can turn off their sexual energy for him.
The Right Response to a Test
Instead of getting defensive, stay grounded, acknowledge her feelings, and lean in and be present.
- Women don’t test to push men away – Although that tends to be the result.
- They test to see if he’s strong enough to hold space for them.
Leadership in a Relationship Isn’t About Control—It’s About Direction
A strong man leads, but he doesn’t control. Leadership isn’t about dominance—it’s about stability, direction, and presence.
A woman doesn’t want to be forced into anything.
She just wants to trust your leadership – If she doesn’t trust it, she will become the masculine energy, and that alone will kill the sexual polarity.
If she has to be the one leading, making decisions, and carrying the emotional weight of the relationship all the time, she will lose attraction over time.
In fact, many women find themselves in masculine roles at home because, for whatever reason, they feel unsafe, so they need to step up.
What Masculine Leadership Looks Like in a Relationship
- He sets a clear direction. – He knows what he wants in life and confidently moves toward it.
- He makes decisions but always considers her. – He listens to her input and then moves forward.
- He creates emotional safety. – She feels relaxed because he’s steady, not reactive or insecure.
- He inspires, not controls. – His strength makes her want to follow, not feel forced.
What Leadership Is NOT
❌ Controlling or dominating – A man who tries to force his way triggers resistance and a lack of safety.
❌ Being passive or indecisive – A man who always asks, “What do you want to do?” makes her feel unsafe.
❌ Seeking validation for decisions – A man who constantly needs approval before acting shows he doesn’t trust himself.
A woman is most attracted when:
- She trusts your direction in life.
- She feels included but not burdened by decision-making.
- You remain grounded, even when she is emotional.
- You challenge her playfully and create excitement in the relationship.
Are You the Man She Feels Alive With?
A woman doesn’t just want to feel safe—she wants to feel alive. That means she needs a balance of emotional safety and excitement.
- Too much comfort with no excitement? She feels bored.
- Too much excitement with no stability? She feels unsafe.
What Makes a Woman Feel Alive?
- Presence – She wants to feel truly seen and felt in the moment.
- Emotional Depth – She doesn’t just want logic; she wants a man who feels deeply but remains grounded.
- Polarity & Tension – Playfulness, teasing, and strong leadership create attraction.
- Unpredictability & Mystery – If you’re too predictable, she loses excitement.
- Strong Leadership – She respects a man who takes action rather than waiting for her to decide everything.
- Emotional Connection & Vulnerability – She wants depth, but only from a man who is already strong in himself.
Takeaways: The Man Who Gives Because It’s Who He Is
Women don’t fall in love with what a man has.
They fall in love with how he makes them feel.
- A strong man gives—not to get something, but because it aligns with who he is.
- He leads—not by control, but by direction and stability.
- He remains grounded—especially when she is emotional.
- He creates attraction—not by seeking validation, but by owning his presence.
When you become this man, attraction is much easier to create.
By coaching men to understand these qualities, they can bring a very different energy to the relationship.