Today’s post is about helping you discover the basics of reconnection by shifting your approach to using alignment-based communication skills. This is one of the most important pillars for keeping a marriage alive.
After all, if you can’t communicate effectively, everything will become a struggle and bickering or withdrawal will replace any growth potential.
So when your marriage hits yet another rough patch, it’s easy to feel hopeless, and it’s like nothing you do is making a difference. But have you ever paused to ask yourself: Am I making things better or worse? It’s a simple question, but it holds the power to transform your relationship.
We’ll examine two examples below and help you with what you can do.
Here’s the truth: Every action you take in your marriage is either pulling you closer together or driving you further apart. Understanding this is critcal.
If what you’re doing isn’t working, it’s probably not because you don’t care—it’s likely because there’s something you don’t yet understand. Let’s explore this idea and see how it can help you.
Chasing Solutions or Feeding the Problem?
In every moment of conflict or frustration, you have a choice. Are you chasing solutions by trying to move towards connection, or are you feeding the problem?
- Feeding the Problem: This looks like blame, criticism, or even shutting down. It often happens when emotions take over, and instead of fixing the issue, the situation spirals.
- Chasing Solutions: This is about stepping back, understanding what’s really going on, and approaching things in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than tearing it down.
Let’s bring this to life with an example.
The Laundry Battle
Picture this: Sarah is feeling exhausted. Work has been hectic, the kids are demanding, and Tom has once again left his laundry scattered on the floor. Frustrated, Sarah snaps:
“Why can’t you ever just put your clothes in the basket? I’m not your maid!”
Tom, now on the defensive, shoots back:
“Well, maybe I’d try harder if you weren’t always having a go at me!”
Sound familiar? What’s happening here is that both Sarah and Tom are feeding the problem. Sarah’s frustration is valid, but her delivery feels like an attack. Tom’s response, in turn, escalates things. And so the cycle continues.
Breaking the Cycle
What if Sarah approached the situation differently? Instead of focusing on the problem, she could focus on the solution. She might say:
“Tom, I’m feeling really overwhelmed today, and seeing the laundry on the floor has just added to it. Would you mind popping it in the basket? It would mean a lot.”
This approach communicates her feelings without blame. It invites Tom to be part of the solution rather than feeling criticised. And if Tom responds with empathy—“Sorry, I didn’t realise you were feeling that way. I’ll take care of it.”—the whole dynamic shifts.
This is chasing solutions: focusing on connection and teamwork rather than letting emotions lead the way.
When Trying to Make Things Better Isn’t Working
Sometimes, you might feel like you’re doing everything you can to make things better, but nothing changes. This can be incredibly disheartening. But here’s the thing: If what you’re doing isn’t working, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It simply means there’s something new to learn.
Think about it like this: If you’re trying to fix a leaky tap with the wrong tool, it doesn’t matter how hard you try; you’re not going to fix the problem. Relationships are the same. Sometimes, the issue isn’t effort; it’s knowledge.
Here are some common pitfalls to consider:
- Are you trying to solve the problem when your partner just wants to feel heard?
- Are you expressing your needs in a way that feels like criticism?
- Are you assuming the worst about your partner’s intentions instead of seeking clarity?
If any of these resonate, it’s time to expand your understanding and try a different approach.
The Silent Treatment Trap
Let’s look at another example. Mark and Lisa often argue, and Lisa’s way of coping is to shut down and give Mark the silent treatment. Mark tries to fix things by apologising repeatedly, but it only seems to make Lisa retreat further. Frustrated, Mark starts to feel ignored and unappreciated.
In this situation, both Mark and Lisa are stuck in patterns that make matters worse. Mark’s repeated apologies aren’t addressing Lisa’s underlying feelings. Lisa, on the other hand, is shutting Mark out rather than expressing her emotions.
What could they do differently?
Mark might say:
“I can see you’re upset, and I want to understand what’s going on. I’m here to listen when you’re ready.”
This shows patience and a willingness to listen, which creates emotional safety for Lisa.
Lisa, in turn, might say:
“I feel really hurt and need some time to process before we talk. Can we come back to this later?”
This is a small but meaningful shift towards chasing solutions. It’s about breaking unhelpful patterns and building a bridge back to each other.
Key Questions to Ask Yourself
The next time you’re in a challenging moment, pause and ask yourself two questions:
- Am I choosing to make things better or worse right now?
- If I’m trying to make things better, but it’s not working, what do I need to learn or understand to approach this differently?
These questions help you reflect on your own role in the dynamic and empower you to take constructive action.
Conclusion: The Power of Small Choices
Every interaction in your marriage is a choice. You can choose to react in a way that makes things worse, but you must also accept that it will likely lead to further disconnection. Or, you can choose to chase solutions, even if it initially feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar.
And if those efforts don’t work, it’s not a failure—it’s an opportunity to grow. Relationships aren’t about being perfect; they’re about learning, adapting, and showing up for each other.
So, the next time you’re at a crossroads, ask yourself:
Am I feeding the problem or chasing the solution?
And if chasing the solution feels impossible, it might be time to expand your knowledge, build new skills, or seek support. Because when you invest in making things better, you’re not just fixing problems—you’re strengthening the foundation of your marriage.
It’s a choice worth making.
Most people miss the how. Your partner’s logic may not be the same as your logic, but please know that their logic is still logical. Understanding this is the art of knowing and learning to accept your natural differences.
This skill is the most important skill as it allows both people to be themselves and the marriage so they feel free and accepted.
