So when a neurosurgeon stepped into my office due to his affair my opening line was…
“Well, we are going to have an interesting conversation aren’t we?”
He laughed and quickly responded with.
“I know! I know!”
I know my affair is a total fantasy, I know I have feelings of love for her that I shouldn’t trust, but to be honest, after my wife’s affair 2 years ago I feel at the moment totally justified so I’m going with it.
What we were both talking about is the brain and the chemical reaction affairs have in the brain.
This highly professional surgeon was educated enough to know what was happening to him, but most people are not connected or aware of what can happen to them when these chemicals strike.
Growing up we are taught to trust what we feel – trust your gut we are told!
The problem is this, should we trust what our brain is making us feel whilst we are under the influence of a powerful mind-altering drug?
So here is the difference of perspective, most people would say of course not if you were physically taking them.
The problem comes when those drugs which are still extremely powerful are made by our own brain which we trust or don’t question.
The process of an affair creates chemicals that help the person become obsessed with the new lover – this is a chemically induced state.
They may feel it’s fate, I’ve found the one, no one has made me feel like this before, but the truth is the person creating their feeling is themselves due to this chemical reaction.
Think about it, how many people have found “THE ONE” in their own office I mean, what are the chances?
These chemicals are so powerful that trying to concentrate on normal life will become a struggle as the addiction to these chemicals takes hold.
Anyone who is experiencing extreme events will have a powerful chemical reaction, but they’ll notice these feelings don’t last.
If you are in a car and you experience a near-miss with another car, how powerful is that shot of adrenaline?
People who are performers become addicted to being on stage because the brain is giving them powerful chemicals driven by being hugely significant and loved by so many.
They may feel like gods.
This is why coming off stage the feeling doesn’t last so other drugs they take or drink are needed to maintain their euphoria.
Some on stage people will suffer off stage due to the crashing lows some are depressed a lot.
The drugs the brain makes are very powerful and do affect our feelings and our decisions.
Daydreaming is common, the fantasy of being in an affair will bring intense feelings of joy and they will feel healthy when they are together everything feels brighter they feel alive.
Intense feelings of joy, feeling healthy, world feels brighter who wouldn’t be addicted to that?
Sexual fantasies can consume the persons’ mind, they can feel an uncomfortable physical reaction to not being with their lover so the pull is immense and anticipation grows.
One of the big indicators of this illusion is the failure to acknowledge or see any faults in their new lover.
Although if questioned about their faults they will tell you there are faults so their relationship can be seen as normal, they just won’t care about them.
This addiction can last up to a year two in some cases, but the feeling is transient.
In fact some people can fall in love one day and be out of it the next.
I have seen many people who had to given up their affair and the grief and the lows are just like coming off a powerful drug.
Many people come to me with affair problems and I’ve pretty much seen it all.
One of the hardest situations for the person whos had an affair is when they have to battle these chemicals/feelings for their affair partner. whilst they battle feelings about the marriage, their home, and their kids.
BUT now they are stuck in an emotional and chemical battle.
Who do I choose?
This is Affair week
Monday: How to rebuild trust in a relationship after cheating?
Tuesday: What counts as cheating?
Wednesday: Why affairs that end in marriage rarely work
Thursday: Why do people have affairs?
Friday: Affair addiction
Looking for help…
If trust is always in question, the connection simply cannot grow.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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