So I was chatting with this gentleman in his seventies. As we talked about our lives, he opened his wallet to show me a picture of his wife.
The picture he handed me was very old. The young girl in the photo was about 19.
She was sat on some railings with the sea behind her on a windy summers day.
As we chatted about her, I could hear that his wife, who was almost seventy herself, had obviously changed in maturity emotionally and physically.
But this wise older man refused to see all those years; when he looked at his wife, he smiled as he only saw the girl he fell in love with.
Interestingly, this conversation is the reverse of what many couples who enter crisis have done.
I see people who have actively collected all the bad their partner has done, forgetting the essence of who they married.
I have spoken with people who simply cannot remember one good thing about their partner despite the obvious fact there must have been good times.
One lady categorically told me she never loved her husband, yet her husband showed me years of love letters between them in his one-on-one meetings with me.
This wise older man I was talking to had made a unique decision different to most. He decided to know who his wife is and love the essence of her every day regardless of their ups and downs.
They had their fair share of problems like any couple.
This decision kept him invested in her. He used his mind in a way that helped him stay in love and protect her no matter what they went through.
The way so many use their minds emotionally disconnects them from their partner and they are unaware they are doing it or the impact.
In essence, when a person creates a focus, they give that focus energy.
When a person keeps treating their partner like an idiot or a child that’s what they’ll end up seeing.
If a person practices for years focusing on the negatives and refuses to forgive wrongs, or holds onto resentments.
That person is giving that negative perspective of their partner so much energy that perspective will eventually become their truth.
People end up leaving their own perspective of their partner, not who their partner really is.
This is a deletion process a persons mind will go through that will affect how they feel.
This is why so many divorce and then regret their decision.
They are unaware they have been in a bias of only needing to see the bad.
They have attached their thinking to their partner and left the person they have created in their own mind.
For many, this process is them protecting themselves.
Sadly for so many, this need for self-protection is rooted in them not understanding their relationship or partner, so they convert their misunderstood behaviours into negative meanings.
The people who regret their decision to divorce the most are the ones that leave their marriage and stop the process of self-protection.
This then allows them to drop the bias, and the bigger picture appears, and the good memories return to them.
To their horror, the regret will now form.
How we use our minds can have a huge impact on the quality of our lives.
Couples in crisis will need a mindset reset if they are going to stand a chance of seeing the truth of their situation.
At the end of the day showing the couple their truth and what they are capable of is their best route to happiness.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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