Every relationship is going to run into problems. Relationship problems are normal part of life. Many people become worried when the arguments start. Arguments are a sign of passion in the relationship so assume this is normal, as long as they don’t turn into physical violence. However your relatiosnhip may need some attention if the conflicts are getting frequent.
Most people automatically assume they may not be compatible if they start to argue a lot. Don’t assume this, as the issues that’s causing the arguments could be very simple to overcome.
Using “Logic” to fix your problems?
Most couples try using logic to fix their problems and this rarely works. There is very little logic in the communication between a man and a woman that’s understood by each other, especially when emotions are high.
I become more worried for couples when the arguments stop, this is because I know the couples will have tried to communicate with each other, but now they no longer see the point.
An example: Many men feel that the quiet is a good thing, but this is not the case. If your partner has stopped the arguments then she is likely to be locking down ready to run, or could be going into depression.
When this happens the passion leaves the relationship in all areas.
At this point seeking help is really important. The reason most couples don’t seek help is because they are not aware of what they don’t know, so they don’t search for the right help – all help is not equal. Plus they usually only search when life gets unbearable such as a break up, or a threat to leave.
The thing is, it’s easy to fall in love, it’s easy for most couples to have a child, what’s not so easy is understanding how to keep the love and passion flowing year, after year.
Those in trouble will go through the following phases if they are smart and seek help before things get too bad.
The first Phase clients go through is called:
1. Unconscious Incompetence
What it means is the clients don’t know what they don’t know, this is the danger zone for couples. How can they know how to deal with the massive complexities in a relationship and then a family if they have never been shown. People are doing terrible things to themselves and each other without knowing. Those in this place usually only seek help when life gets so bad they can’t cope. Very often it’s too late… If I had a just one pound for every break up victim or couple that says to me “…I wish we had seen you sooner…”
2. Conscious Incompetence
When clients start to understand what they don’t know, then their eyes are quickly opened to a very different way of relating to themselves and their loved ones. No more trial and error, only tried and tested ways to deal with all kinds of difficult situations. This can feel a little daunting as they suddenly realise how much they don’t know, and can become sad at what effect their past behaviours have had on their life today.
3. Conscious Competence
Every client at their own speed gets to understand how they really work, how meanings are created and how emotions are driven by those meanings. The clients start to learn so much about themselves and each other. They are now aware of how to create happiness in the relationship and in their own life, but it all takes practice and focus. The bad habits have to unlearnt, it takes effort, but they are starting to see how they can put good control back into their lives in away that’s happy for everyone.
4. Unconscious Competence
The last stage is when the couple don’t even have to think about what they have learnt or what they are doing, because they are now doing everything that works automatically and life feels very different. This is a little bit like learning to drive a car, it all felt over whelming a first, but now it’s automatic you don’t even think about it.
My advice is although a lot of relationship problems can be fixed, the longer problems fester the harder it is to change. So get help fast… take action today!
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