It was shocking that I ended up asking myself that question, but it led me to a thought that changed the direction of my life. Today’s post is about that thought and how my thinking evolved from not understanding how my own relationships worked to helping couples out of their marital crisis for the past two decades.
This is about how I woke up to reality and asked myself a question that changed my life forever.
In my mind, relationships seemed simple: I wanted her to be happy, and I also wanted me to be happy. Fun and love were at the front of my mind, but I soon realised this was not as simple as I had hoped.
To start with, the relationship seemed easy and lots of fun, but it wasn’t long before problems began, which usually ended the relationship. I remember thinking, surely relationships shouldn’t be this hard, should they?
Over time, as I met new people, this pattern of happiness to unhappiness seemed to repeat with each new person. I found this very frustrating and upsetting, and after some time of repeating the same pattern, I knew I was avoiding a critical question, a question I didn’t want to face.
Was it me? Was I the problem? This was an extremely challenging thought, but I couldn’t escape it. After all, I seemed to be the common denominator.
This started me on a search to understand the truth, and I quickly discovered that I was the problem, but they were, too.
In other words, it became clear that none of us really knew what we were doing. We did our best based on our limited knowledge, and the result of this limited knowledge was that we both ended up blaming each other for the state of the relationship.
I wanted her to change, and she wanted me to change. The cycles of blame were exhausting, and I kept thinking, shouldn’t this be about love, fun and happiness?
When I discovered we were both drivers of the problem, my mind shifted to another question. How do I stop being part of the problem and start being part of the solution?
This thinking led me to the most critical question, a question that changed my life.
“Who must I become to be worthy of the relationship I want?”
I had never considered I had to become anything. This question made me design the relationship I wanted and then made me question the character that would ensure that relationship was possible.
I also had to shift my thinking to understand that the role I played in other areas of my life was very different from being an effective intimate partner for another person – I never knew this was even a consideration.
I firstly had to become a partner who would bring out the best in me. I had to be proud of who I became, and I had to understand how to create an environment that made it easy for my partner to do the same.
The formula was simple: We had to help each other connect to what matters to each of us, as this was a fundamental route to a safe connection that would allow us to grow together and individually.
Many people lose who they are in their marriage, and it’s a painful process to go through. I see many people suffering from depression that lifts once they understand how to reconnect to themselves.
Sure, I wanted to be more loving, caring, and supportive, but my initial concerns were, “What if I become this so-called amazing partner and I get nothing back? What if it doesn’t work?”
The answer I found was this: If the best of me wasn’t enough to spark natural reciprocity in my partner, then I would always be the giver, and they would always be the taker, and the relationship wouldn’t be healthy for me long term.
So this meant if the best of me was never enough for her, I would never be enough, and that answer of knowing I was with the wrong person was just as important as finding the right partner.
I knew I preferred being alone to being with the wrong person, so if I did get it wrong, I didn’t want to get it wrong for long. After all, this is what the dating is for.
This way of looking at my relationship was great because I could embrace who I really was and bring 100% of me to the table knowing the end result would either prove if my partner at the time was good for me or not good for me.
That’s the clarity I wanted. The thought of spending a life with the wrong person filled me with horror.
This is the problem many face: they become less of who they are in reaction to their unhappy marriage, and the result might be that the relationship ends for the wrong reason. For example, 50% effort from me in a relationship would always create a substandard relationship with a 50% deficiency, so I would never know if the problem was me or them.
So if I learnt how to become more of myself, a self that I could be proud of, and committed 100% to that combined with the knowledge of how to bring out the best in the person I had chosen, I could discover very quickly what my relationship was capable of achieving.
Of course, that meant learning many new skills, but it was far better than a lifetime of unhappy relationships, and there was no way I was going to accept that kind of life.
So, my new thinking wasn’t about changing, blaming, or controlling anyone. It was about learning the skills that made me a high-value partner and that significantly improved my relationship with myself.
This meant I was happier. People who are constantly unhappy don’t tend to make effective partners and will bring unhelpful distortions to the relationship.
Far too many people in sessions tell me they have done this and been the perfect partner at the start, giving selflessly, but it never worked. They say, “I did this at the start of the relationship, but it didn’t work, so I stopped and held back.”
I then listened to what they did and had to help them understand that what they thought would work was never going to work. They had no idea because they could only see the world from their own perspective.
People also tend to believe odd sound bites, such as “You have to give love to get love.” If they believe this, their connection will fail.
Many people feel that sound bite makes sense until they learn that giving love to get love is a trade and, for some, a demand that turns a relationship into a transaction, which is a bad idea as it usually kills connection and intimacy.
So people end up learning that whilst giving is a good thing, there is a way of doing it that collapses a couple’s connection and too many practice the wrong approach.
I see people in what I call fair-weather relationships, which means they are only connected if things are going well. The problem they face is that relationships will always have a problem somewhere. The skill of relationships is being able to put it back on track when it goes wrong.
So, building an effective map of what really makes a marriage work for life is critical to understanding. Most people don’t have this, and growing up I was one of those people.
Back then, I didn’t realise how important my questions would be for my marriage to Cloe. “Who must I become to be worthy of the relationship I want?” this question changed everything.
This question focused me on how I could add value in a way that would allow Cloe, my wife, to become all of who she is, knowing she is loved no matter what.
I felt honoured that she had chosen to spend her life with me, so helping her experience the best of herself in our relationship became a critical mission for me.
It wasn’t about pleasing her; it was about helping to create an environment where she was free to explore and be all of who she is. I knew this was important because people who don’t grow and evolve end up unhappy.
Thankfully, knowing how to do this is a learnable skill. Like everyone else, I went from being clueless to understanding the mechanics of what works and what doesn’t.
This post is about learning to take personal responsibility like I did because it’s the most effective way to repair, rebuild, or save a marriage.
The formula is simple: With the right knowledge, learning how to be the best of you with help will guide you through the steps to understand what your relationship is capable of achieving.
The worst of you means the relationship will always reflect that distortion, and so the food the relationship needs to survive never shows up when self-protection is in play.
Self-protection in relationships tends to accelerate relationship problems and cloud the real issues.
There is no skill in being negative, blaming and seeing the worst in each other; literally, a 5-year-old can do that. The skill is in developing emotional skills that support growth in both adult people.
To clarify what the best means.
- I understand how to consistently bring out the best of me as a spouse
- I understand how to bring out the best in my partner no matter what the situation is
- I understand how to build a foundation that builds emotional security as a result of our connection, so security or lack of it, is never a primary focus for either of us.
- I understand that the Emotional Foundation is critical if we are to consistently experience love, passion, joy, and growth, to name a few critical values.
I hope you are seeing from today’s post that, like every other area of life, relationships and the quality of the relationships are down to the individuals and their decision to take personal responsibility to become effective team members.
So my question to you is are you like me back then, are you also fed up with circular behavioural patterns that create disconnect and unhappiness? Are you now ready to take responsibility for yourself and your life to find out what’s possible for you?
