Everyone who comes for help is asking the same question. They are stuck not knowing what to do whilst their marriage is slipping away.
“What should I do?”
Should I see this pain and suffering as a sign we are at the end?
Should I fight for my marriage? If I do fight, how do I do that with all this proof of suffering in our past? Why would the future be any different?
Some people want me to help them fix the marriage, rebuild the love and the trust, change their partners’ mind, but they don’t know how?
Some people question the root problem in their relationship: am I the problem, or is it my partner?
Are we incompatible, or are we just clueless?
You see some people are so lost they can be afraid the relationship won’t work and some are actually afraid it will work.
Did you know that some people create such a powerful emotional system of not trusting their partner? Looking for what’s wrong becomes their pattern, and they can talk themselves out of a perfectly good marriage.
Some people emotionally control their partners and then complain about what they created. I’ve seen many people submit who they are to love their controlling partner.
Those wanting answers must change their thinking
My message to all these people is if you want real certainty, if you want to know what to do then you must change your thinking and approach the problem differently.
The answer to your marriage problems is in your ability to connect to a different way of thinking (explained below) that will help you understand with clarity if you are in the right or wrong relationship.
You see most people are unaware of the real problems they are going to face so they don’t learn how to protect their partner, their relationship and themselves.
When couples hit problems the individuals generally don’t protect the relationship; they only protect themselves.
Self-protection, if practised, will always bring the relationships emotional connection to an end – many people end-up still feeling love for their partner, but are not in love anymore.
Self-protection in most cases is really based on a misunderstanding based on only seeing the world from one perspective, one way of thinking followed by a disempowering emotional trigger which is designed to protect them but actually kills the couple’s connection.
The result is far too many people are protecting themselves from a partner who is not trying to hurt them.
The key to a successful marriage
- You must stay connected and become what you value and say is important to you.
- You must learn, understand, contribute and care about what your partner really needs.
- You must define your reason for being a team and work together towards that goal.
- Life is about dealing with problems and the couple must learn how to deal with them as a team whilst keeping their connection alive.
The real problem
Most people want to leave their partner because they no longer understand how to be themselves when they are around their partner. They will find they reconnect to themselves when they are around others.
They have little to no knowledge of how their partner really thinks and what they really need. In many cases, the differences are seen as problems so the couple battles their differences.
Far too many couples end up only having the children as a reason to be together. My sessions are full of people who’s children are about to leave home and the couple’s reason for being together has gone.
Here is what you must do to get the truth about your marriage
If you are unsure what to do with your marriage problems, you must learn how to become valuable to that person and yourself.
Most people have not done this, and it’s one of the reasons their marriage is in trouble.
You cannot become more than the best of you and if being the best of you and understanding how to be a positive influencer to your partner isn’t enough for them then maybe leaving them is the right decision.
You see a healthy relationship is full of reciprocity and care, unhealthily relationships are full of self-interest and control.
Your first step to discovering your truth
The moment the person understands that their relationship with themselves is the most critical factor in the success or failure of their intimate relationships is the moment their thinking changes.
Far too many people want the outside world to change, so they are emotionally okay. What they are not seeing is that makes the world around them more powerful than they are.
I see so many people try to control others as a means to gain power and emotional security.
The issue with that process is it actually makes them more powerless because it breeds resentment in the person they are trying to control, eventually resentment becomes detachment and that leads to an emotional end.
Please make sure you are on the right path.
The bottom line is your relationship answers lie in YOUR ability to add value to those you care about.
If you are going to give, then please give because it’s who you are and not because you want something in return.
Some of the work the person needs to do
- Understand your own triggers
- Understand who you are and what you value
- Uncover the beliefs that are disempowering
- Learn how to swap judgement for adding value
- Learn how to forgive and let go
- Take responsibility
As hard as this sounds, it’s not as hard as living a life without love and always feeling out of control.
