What you are about to read is an important foundation that helps couples migrate from crisis to reconnection. So if saving your relationship is your goal then this will be important to learn.
Attraction is a critical part of what makes couples successful and this goal sits as a key objective when I’m working with couples who have lost their way. I know many people will think I’m talking just about physical attraction and to some degree that is important, BUT physical attraction is just one small part of the mix.
When couples first meet and that meeting generates an energy that both people enjoy, their attraction to each other is automatic, it’s an energy that naturally happens within them both.
Now look at successful older couples. These are couples who have remained passionate throughout their life together. They will have kept their attraction alive and that attraction is also automatic just like the young couple.
IMPORTANT: Couples who are in marital crisis don’t have what those two categories above have created and kept. Couples in crisis will have lost what created the automatic attraction and they need that attraction to survive.
When relationships start to struggle the attraction for one or both people will start to change. This change will affect their feelings towards each other. Their loss of feelings is also automatic.
When the automatic attraction starts to die the couple may not notice straight away, or they may assume that loss of attraction is simply a normal part of living together.
My message today is automatic attraction naturally dies when couples start to create behaviours that don’t allow that attraction to breathe and live freely in the relationship. Loss of attraction is NOT just a phase we all go through. If the attraction is dying or is dead the couple will have usually created that situation without realising.
Couples in crisis can logically say their partner is a physically attractive person, but for them they no longer feel that attraction is present anymore.
This is why physical attraction maybe important to attract your partner initially, but just being physically beautiful will not keep the attraction alive.
Relationships need far more than just good looks? The range of what creates attraction is vast, however each person and couple will have their own dynamic that needs unlocking to become successful again.
When couples come to me for help, they arrive with complaints, such as we argue too much, we don’t communicate, my partner is lazy, our sex life is terrible, the love has gone.
These kinds of problems will lead the couple to a place of disconnection where attraction struggles to remain alive.
Naturally the couples usually will want to fix the problems they have come with. Their challenge sits in this example: Will being able to successfully ‘mange conflict’ (their symptom) create the necessary attraction that will keep their relationship alive for life?
It may make them better friends which is great, but who wants just a friend! Couples that marry generally want to become life long lovers.
My point here is fixing the problems that enable you to get on better is great on a friends level, but it’s critical that attraction is in place so that passion, intimacy, desire can live freely.
So when a couples come for my help it’s important that I help them learn how to create a dynamic that makes their attraction to each other automatic.
Too many couples are trying to fix symptoms and this can create as many challenges as it solves.
To successfully help a couple you have to learn what has created their symptoms whilst helping them build an automatic attraction dynamic.
Automatic attraction when learnt and in place helps to couples to become magnetic to each other and this helps couples experience the relationships they really wanted.
If your relationship is in trouble and you want to learn more, please arrange an initial consultation by clicking here.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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