Yes this is a big statement, but I don’t make it lightly. As you scan this post today you may start to see a possibility that was not there before.
When problems start to occur in a relationship one of the automatic processes that individuals experience is they respond to their problems with their habitual coping strategies. These are behaviours usually designed to protect them from being hurt emotionally.
The problem this behaviour creates is the person is now focused on protecting themselves rather than contributing positively to the relationship. This means they are no longer an effective contributor to the relationship and are actually contributing to the destruction of the relationship.
This is a dangerous position especially if the person becomes stuck focusing on themselves. If this becomes the way they live in the relationship they will become vulnerable to serious problems.
When this happens the relationship goes deeper into a needs deficit and the couple will start to feel the trust in each other is dying.
As the couple start to feel the relationship is no longer meeting their needs, they will gravitate to other activities, things, hobbies, people to feel good.
All this activity is of course killing the relationship further and so the couple are now focused on what’s bad and what’s wrong, but are missing key information.
Firstly their mission to protect themselves from the being hurt is actually leading them to being hurt as they become part of the problem too.
You see when a person is protecting themselves emotionally they take on a different identity in terms of what they value most, in itself this causes emotional pain.
So a caring, kind, loving person can change to be focused and prioritising trust, security, all designed to control the situation so they feel ok in the moment. The problem with this new focus is it’s not reflective of the persons natural essence.
The moment the person jumps into this protective state they instantly feel awful, blaming the problem(s) or their partner.
This is most evident when a person discovers their partner is having an affair. Instantly the shock changes their focus from feeling secure to insecure instantly and so they feel horrible inside.
For most couples this process is slower, over time they change, but because it’s slow they don’t notice the changes in the same way. Some people experiencing this complain that they have lost themselves in the relationship.
What all these situations create is a focus that’s distorted. It’s like the person has created a filter to translate their relationship. If the emotional state of the person is low, or poor, then that’s the filter they will use to translate the relationship.
So the worse the person feels they more negatively they will see the relationship, the more negative their translation of the relationship the more they protect themselves which makes them feel worse as they get further and further away from who they really are.
When this takes place the person is naturally deleting all the good in the relationship and this leads them to a distorted generalisation that the relationship is wrong or bad for them.
So my message is this, if the relationship feels bad or wrong it may feel that way because of the changes the individuals have made in themselves in reaction to each other.
When pressure is put on a relationship couples dramatically misread each other and so they both become less of who they really are. This is the real problem, because it ignites real fears and keeps those fears alive.
When the individuals learn how to react and become more of who they really are instead of less of who they really are, that’s when the relationship with themselves and each other really starts to become naturally secure.
Relationships are complicated, but a few key powerful philosophies and a few critical tools can change everything.
Learning how is the key, like everything.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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