The truth is you can’t get rid of a couples problems because couples will always have problems. Life has this habit of throwing problems at us when we are least expecting it.
So the goal is not to try to get rid of problems, the goal is to become better at dealing with your problems as a team.
Many couples that visit my sessions are taught these vital skills so that no matter what hits them they are better skilled at understanding how to support each other.
The 3 key skills that need to be learnt are the ones that consistently create all three:-
- The best outcome for you,
- The best outcome for your partner and…
- Is good for the relationship.
And yes to achieve this you do need something very special…
All three of these elements must be understood and met.
The challenge is that situations can create fears and fears create situations where the person in fear only has the capacity to focus on themselves.
This focus is usually manifested in self-protection.
[IMPORTANT] When a person goes into a protective state the goal is to help them understand how to protect themselves so their relationship / marriage is protected too.
The usual way individuals protect themselves unfortunately results in emotional shut down and this is not good for the relationship, because it leads to detachment.
This is a person will be in a reactive state they will do what’s automatic and most of the time they don’t question it.
The process of saving a couple is to help both people understand what happens when pressure is put on their relationship and how they can support each other so it’s good for each other and the relationships future.
Understanding this is a skill, you see when people say you have to work at a relationship what they really mean is acquire skills that enable you both to understand each other and how you can both be better at supporting each other no matter what happens.
You see a relationship / marriage is not a 50/50 deal. You are both responsible 100% for the individual feelings you create and the state of your relationship.
The key to successful relationship is to be the best you can be with the clear knowledge of what you partner really needs.
- You cannot be the best you can be without that information.
- You cannot judge your relationship without that information.
- You cannot leave your relationship and be 100% sure you were incompatible without that information.
- You cannot be sure that if you did leave the marriage these problems wouldn’t repeat themselves without that information.
- You relationship might be wrong for you, but you simply can’t judge it effectively if you are not being the best you can be.
Stephen Hedger teaches couples the simple steps that lead couples to a safe and successful future quickly and in easy steps. For appointments Stephens wife Cloé will be delighted to help you.
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